It is scientifically proven that, by nature, the human being has characteristics of altruism. That’s why we sometimes try to help people, even at the expense of ourselves …
Buzzafter does not quite agree with such an approach, and recognizes that there are situations in which doing a favor to someone may be not only useless, but also harmful, both for us and for other person.
Offer your professional services for free
You have probably experienced a situation where someone has asked you to give him a hand directly related to your professional activity. After all, “it’s really easy for you, right?” This is particularly true for artistic professions such as painters, advertisers, journalists and designers.
In this case, by helping for free, not only do you devalue your own knowledge, skills and abilities, but you also lose money, which you could earn by doing the same for other people.
Do things you do not know how to do
The author of the popular article Why I stopped helping people and I advise you to do the same , Cammi Pham, explains that it is better not to offer help if you can not give it properly. She told this story as an example:
His parents went abroad and asked him to take care of their plants. But Cammi was not very good at it, so she flooded some of the plants, and the other half was completely dry. She explains that if she had honestly admitted that she did not know how to take care of the plants, her parents would have found someone more competent to do the job, and nothing bad would have happened.
Professional beggars, friends who always need “you help them out a little”, parents who are constantly trying to survive until the next month … We must also learn to say “no” to all these people. They are so used to living on voluntary donations and relying on your help that they make no effort to change their situation.
Many people reject even more profitable work but, at the same time, more complicated because they believe that the money they earn is enough. You have to stop spending your own money for those who do not even know how to appreciate it.
The charity does not justify its rationale
Toxic charity is a fundraiser that is not meant to help those in need, but to satisfy someone’s ambitions and create a “savior” image among those who raise funds for children or sick animals. Such charity can be identified by spontaneous collection, the absence of certain reports and false volunteers.
When you see moving photos, do not give in to emotions and transfer money to the bank accounts of unknown people. In this way, you will not help those you intended to help, but you will give satisfaction to those who benefit from the misfortune of others, both emotionally and financially.
When the desire to help is a necessity
Many psychologists recommend that you do not help a person before they ask for it. She may not need your help. There are times when the desire to help is a desire to feel that someone needs you, but that would only upset the other person and / or delay it.
The real reason is to satisfy your own ambition
The dramatic triangle of Karpman is one of the “psychological games” of manipulation of communication. It is a transactional analysis figure proposed by Stephen Karpman. According to him, a person can play one of three roles: victim, stalker or savior. The objectives of the latter are less obvious.
At first glance, it may seem that you want to help the victim and do your best to achieve it. But in reality, the savior has ulterior motives. For example, he may like to feel that someone depends on him or trusts him. In this case, help is only a chance to satisfy a personal desire.
The person always tends to trust someone
By going beyond oneself, one gains experience, similar to immunity against certain diseases. If you do not let the other person solve some of their problems independently, they will not get the skills they need to overcome similar situations in the future.
By helping him, you do not have to do this person’s job completely, you should simply guide and make it easier.
These are the duties of the child
Of course, this is not a universal rule. However, many parents try to solve everything and do everything for their children, from food choices to homework and friends.
A child educated in this way will simply not be able to do many things on his own or make wise decisions. For example, he will not learn to perceive a situation autonomously if his parents constantly do so for him, which will then affect the construction of his relationships as an adult.
However, we must set an example for children and teach them how to behave in new and complicated situations. At the same time, it is not good to leave them alone when it comes to solving very difficult tasks, as this will only affect their psychological state and confidence in their parents.
Excessive help leads to a distorted perception of the world
Constantly helping a child hide another threat. If he does not learn to face difficulties by being alone and does not understand that not everything will happen as he wishes, he may fall into a state of frustration in the future.
This occurs when expectations and desires do not match the possibilities or what is happening in the present moment. People begin to experience stress, anxiety, and irritability, and later, frustration can lead to depression.
Help only for a good reason
We often help someone because they are our friend, someone in the family or because they have done us a favor in the past. However, some experts advise not to pay attention to what has already happened, but in the future, that is, to help achieve a goal. In this way, the help will be more useful and will be directed towards concrete results.
You give gifts to children living in homes
This may seem odd, but more and more specialists advise against giving special gifts or personal gifts to children living in children’s homes. They get used to this continuity of gifts and do not learn to appreciate them. In addition, this often leads to conflict with other children and, in the future, problems in adult life.
It is best to give these children your time and attention. Some practical things can be useful, such as pencils, scissors, pens, pencil sharpeners, for example.
According to you, in what situations is it useless to help other people? Tell us in the comments below!