All mothers get angry because of their children’s temper tantrums. They run out and then explode in front of their loved ones. Many of them are very worried about not much, but Larisa Surkova lives in harmony with herself and knows how to find a common language with her children. And she does not have one, not two, but five! In fact, Larisa is a psychologist, instructor, and author of books. She knows exactly what lies behind the whims and anger of children. She knows how to listen to what is expected of them, and she knows tricks that help moms stay calm in front of a phenomenon as beautiful and exhausting as motherhood.
Nice asked this blogger psychologist to share with us some tips that will be useful for any young mother.
Tip # 1: Mom needs to rest.
It may seem pointless to talk about self-esteem or rest, because the moms themselves will start screaming: “Impossible!” Well if, it’s possible. Consider the following options:
- Rest is just a change of activity, and it can be short. Change small details every day. One day, walk with the stroller on the sidewalk on the left, and the next day on the right one.
- Stay on the move: some crunches, special exercises to do with your child, use of a pilates ball, or yoga.
- Stop time. How? ‘Or’ What? Just turn off the phone, close your eyes, and think for example of an orange: you remove the skin, the juice flows, and the taste is a little acid! It may take just 3 to 5 seconds, but it will allow you to reactivate your mind.
Tip # 2: Parents are almost always responsible for the whims and anger of their children.
A tantrum is a strong emotional attack designed to release some kind of personal anxiety. It passes quickly if we do not pay attention and we avoid rushing on the child to try to reassure him. More importantly, the tantrum is a kind of shock. Between four and five years of age, a child can cry for five to ten minutes, but crying that lasts longer can cause some problems.
What to do ?
- Prevention is the best way to fight back. If the day was full of emotions, give your child a bath before putting him to bed. If you know that his tantrums are constantly happening in a mall, stop taking him there.
- The spectators feed the crisis. Only one person should stay close to the child. Do not tell him anything, just stay close to him. After 2-3 minutes, start talking both calmly and firmly, trying to divert attention to another subject.
- Distracting a child can be difficult, but you can try. You can tell him something that will encourage him to take action: “Let’s go”, “Ohh, look!” , Or try to talk about something else.
- Isolation. After two years, you can leave the child alone in a familiar environment for a few minutes. It all depends on the age of the child: two years – two minutes.
- Stay calm. Remember it. For the child, it is difficult, he grows up and he changes. The crisis of tears is caused by the fact that a young child does not know how to handle an emotional discharge.
Most of the time, parents are solely responsible for the whims and anger of their children. In the beginning, we give them everything, then all of a sudden, we begin to educate them. One of the main causes of capricious behavior is the difference in position between mother and father. This causes internal anxiety in the child, and so he tries to find some comfort using the most basic manipulation technique: tantrums.
Tip # 3: Young children simply can not do something “against you” consciously.
“He does it on purpose, to take revenge on me”, “I do not understand what he expects of me”, “He does this just to bother me” , we often hear such complaints from parents, especially when their child is between one and five years old. But what can be the causes of such behavior?
- Know that your child is your own reflection: Are you sad, scared, tired, nervous, angry, or in conflict with your spouse? Your child will reflect just what you are returning, which makes it even more annoying! Always start with your own emotions when trying to analyze the behavior of a child under five. The child simply screams: “Mom, I understand you and I support you!” But, of course, we do not want that kind of support.
- The child feels physically bad. Children have a hard time describing how they feel, even those who can speak. So they cry, and you, you think they just want to bore you. Give him a hug, show him compassion, and comfort him.
- He wants to attract attention. When you do not have the time to take care of him today, tomorrow, and the days that follow, all this accumulates. And as for everyone, the patience of the child is also exhausted. But he thinks he’s the center of the Universe, and that’s normal. He can not understand that your personal belongings are more important than him.
- You just taught him how to communicate like that. If you are used to shouting at your child, you will teach him to do the same. If you are always calm and happy with him, he will always be calm and happy with you. It’s that simple.
If you do not know how to calm your child down, just sit down next to him and shut up. This is my favorite method. You do not have to blame yourself or fall for hysteria at that time. Just wait in silence. You are guilty of nothing, you just do not understand the situation, and that’s normal, since you and he are different people.
Tip # 4: The scream is something quite normal.
A child must be able to express various emotions. Cry is the easiest way to show anger and that’s normal. It becomes abnormal when anger is a chronic emotion. And that’s where you have to control yourself. One very important thing: I do not approve of shouting at a child. Just observe the most important:
- It’s painful, he’s crying.
- It’s funny, he laughs.
- It bothers, he shouts.
Let your child do it, without using phrases like, “It does not hurt, do not cry”, “There’s nothing funny, stop laughing”, or “Stop screaming, you want me to leave here? “ . Prohibiting children from showing their emotions leads to repression of feelings. This can lead to psychosomatic illness, apathy, depressive state, and exaggerated feelings of feelings when they are repressed too long. In the end, the child will only have the cry as the only means of communication.
Tip # 5: Like any other person, the child, must know certain limits.
Imagine: you are thrown on an unknown island by saying, “do what you want” , but without informing yourself of local laws. You will naturally avoid doing certain things, but for a child it will be much more difficult. It’s like a blank sheet.
What is important to remember:
- The limits must be adapted to his age. At two years old, a long speech on your part will mean just for him that his mom is talking to him about something, but it will not be clear at all.
- You have to be consistent. If during a walk in a park in hot weather, your child asks for ice cream, and you say “no”, stay firm and consistent. Otherwise, when in response to his cries of insistence, you end up cracking him by saying: “Here, take two, now shut up” , in his mind, he will quickly make the association: “Anger me get what I want. “
- A child does not know what is good or bad for him. Do not pinch him because he said to one of your friend “You’re fat”. He just does not know how to express himself correctly, and he learns while making mistakes.
Tip # 6: The rules should not only apply to the child, but to the whole family.
Every day I am asked for a list of tips to stop screaming and punishing children. Some basic tips may apply to everyone, and others are more individual. But in any case, the key word is “us”.
- Always apologize to a child when we do wrong. In this way, he will learn to analyze his own actions, and start doing less “nonsense.”
- Talk about your feelings as a family. Not only those of your children, but also yours. And also talk about your feelings between grown-ups. You can not imagine what words of love mean for a child of any age, as well as knowing that their parents love each other.
- At family gatherings, pay attention to what you say, and to the words you use. Remember that all ears listen, and all that is said can be repeated.
- We do not go to bed just after an argument, and we must absolutely create a small ritual before falling asleep: pinch the nose to his child, hug him, etc …
- Whatever happens in life, take care of it as a family. Together, you can solve everything.
Tip # 7: Knowing some psychological techniques will help you cope better with your child’s illnesses.
A lot of things depend on our health. This is what I do when my children are sick.
- I take a five-minute break, and I do a self-help program. I reassure myself by saying that it is not so serious.
- I keep a calm face. This is very important for the good recovery of the child.
- No complacency around the disease: “Oh, my poor little one, like, eat it” , “Take a candy, and watch lots of cartoons”. By acting like this, we show the child that being sick can be something profitable.
- We develop together projects that we will achieve when it is restored: what we do, where we go, etc …
- I examine the disease objectively. It is not necessary to die of dread with the child whenever he has a cold. It’s important to him. We are adults, so we have to be strong and solve our problems for the sake of our children.
Tip # 8: Do not fill your child’s life with your own fears and worries.
In order not to project your fears on your child, it is better to get rid of these worries. When couples prepare for pregnancy, they go to see a lot of doctors, do several tests, but I think a visit to a psychologist is just as important. But that, unfortunately, nobody does it.
- As soon as you start to panic, take a paper and a pen and write: “My psyche is affecting my child’s health right now.” As at school, it is essential to correct mistakes by writing them as many times as you can. ‘it must. Trust is back? Stop writing.
Tip # 9: Trust between children and adults is the most important thing of all.
Trust does not mean losing one’s authority, and permissiveness is not a sign of weakness on the part of parents. On the contrary, make sure that if your child ever needs help, he will come to see you.
What is killing trust?
- Aggressiveness on the part of adults, unfounded accusations against the child, based solely on the words of other adults.
- The lies of the parents, especially if you do not keep a promise you made earlier.
- Lack of answers to children’s questions. For example, questions like “Mom, why are you sad?” To which we say, “It’s nothing” or “I’m not sad” . Instead, you can say, “Honey, I was just a little tired at work.” So you’ll show him that it’s important to share everything you feel.
What to do ?
- From an early age, consider clearly the need for the ban. Its very important. Why would not it be possible to run in puddles if the weather is nice and you feel like it? Run in together! And avoid phrases like “we can not, that’s all” or “you can not because I said it.”
- Remember that communication is very important, do not close to children, talk to them and ask them questions. Explain as much as possible.
Tip # 10: There are a few sentences that often need to be told to children.
There are very simple phrases that are beneficial in communicating with children, and that will surely be helpful in your relationship with them:
- “I love you.” This is what children most often hear until they are three years old, as long as there are no younger children. After seven years, these words are almost no longer spoken directly to them. It is important that these sentences be extended, for example: “I love you, even when I am angry or upset.”
- “I’m honest with you,” I’m telling you the truth. “ You unconsciously teach children to lie. ” It will not hurt, “ then boom! A needle comes in for a vaccine. relationship naturally: lying is normal.
- “I feel sad / happy / bad / good.” Talk about your feelings. In the beginning, we teach our children the concept of normality as far as feelings are concerned, and we content ourselves with that without teaching them anything else, and after that, we are offended because they do not talk about their feelings, and that they do not care about ours.
- “Try it for yourself, and if it’s necessary, I’ll help you.” Do not go too far. Sometimes we quickly tend to say, “I do it better / faster …” , but in this case, when and how will he learn?
Tip # 11: Love your child for who he is, not your perfect idea of him.
- Up to five years, a child has no internal notion of time, space or distance. That’s why the terms “hurry up”, “a little more” and “soon” are your only problem. The child does not understand what you expect from him, and it is a cause of panic, anger or opposition.
- If you are constantly looking for ways to punish your child effectively, start by punishing yourself! In 99% of cases, their behavior stems from your responsibility, which means that you must be punished.
- Remember: 80% of a child’s success, development, and future will depend on society. Children flourish through attention, understanding, and on the contrary, they “fade” by indifference to them.
- Every child needs time to accept things and make up their minds. Notify him of your intentions in advance. Even if he’s only a year old and you just want to go out for a walk, he needs to get used to this thought, because at this age, he may very well have his own “things to do”.
- Love your child as he is, and not for your perfect idea of him. And remember: it’s a person in its own right!
What do you think of this article? Do you agree that a mother should not only rest for the good of the family, but also that she is obliged to do it? Would you be willing to sacrifice cooking and housekeeping for a good mood? Leave a message in the comments, and share this article with the future and young parents of your family!